Once you have a few years of competition cooking under your belt, you’ll notice that you’ve developed some unusual habits. That is, these behaviors will seem normal to you but very odd to your family and friends. Here’s a list of things that Donna and I will do without a second thought that cause others to go “Hmm . . .”
The list is pretty long so there are several parts. If you can relate to more than half of this checklist, then consider yourself a seasoned pitmaster! Feel free to comment on other peculiar pitmaster behaviors you’ve caught yourself doing.
You might be a competition pitmaster if … (Part 7)
- You perform the floppy test when buying briskets
- You have as many descriptions color and type of animal fat as Eskimos have for snow
- You have studied the 4 different and conflicting US agency standards for recommended cooked chicken temps
- You know what weight range your favorite meat packing companies pack their meats
- You can tell if your brisket was grass or corn fed from the color of the fat on the deckle
- You know that Series 300 of the USDA manual is about pork specification
- You find it awkward as you don’t know what to say when you’re around vegetarians
- You have special tools for making KCBS turn-in boxes
- You pick left-handed brisket because it’s rumored they are more tender
- You prefer the smell of your pit over your spouse
You might be a competition pitmaster if … (Part 6)
- You memorized the Thermal Death Curves of major meat pathogens such as Salmonella
- Though it pains you, you don’t think it is a waste of time to spend hours arranging lettuce and parsley in a Styrofoam box.
- You flop-test your briskets in the store meat section
- You use “meet” and “meat” interchangeably
- You have special tools and accessories used to make your turn-in Styrofoam boxes.
- You know she’s the one for you when she said,” You had me at bacon”
- You can tell from the color of the fat whether the animal is grass or grain fed
- You swear your smokers have personalities and tendencies (runs cold, hot, etc.)
- You have various sizes and lengths of hypodermic needles (#10, #12, #14)
- You own a large meat vacuum tumbler
You might be a competition pitmaster if … (Part 5)
- You own multiple very expensive thermometers for all types of measurements
- Your roll of aluminum foil is too big to fit inside your kitchen drawer
- Your co-workers watch your contest calendar and bring Tupperware for Meat Mondays
- You own your own vacuum sealer
- Your spouse can touch anything except your barbecue knives
- You think one brand of apple juice, hot sauce, ketchup, or vinegar is better than all the rest
- You think grass fed beef is for hippies
- You have several knife sharpening systems which you no longer use
- You have your own special knife sharpening guy
- You own an Igloo that can fit your dog
You might be a competition pitmaster if … (Part 4)
- You call chicken the “devil meat” because it’s difficult and time-consuming to trim.
- You scare your vegetarian friends with bacon wrapped asparagus, zucchini, eggplant, and mushrooms.
- You know she’s the one for you when she said, “You had me at “barbecue.”
- You know she’s NOT the one when she said,” I’m Vegetarian.”
- You think of Home Depot as a BBQ supply store.
- At the Zoo, you wonder how each animal tastes BBQ-ed.
- Same thing at the Aquarium.
- You know at least 9 ways to spell barbecue (barbecue, barbeque, barbique, Bar-B-Q, BBQ, Bar-B-Que, Barbie, Bar-Bique, Bar-B-Cue).
- You have pet names for each of your smokers.
- You cringe when you see any kind of pre-marinated meats when grocery shopping.
You might be a competition pitmaster if … (Part 3)
- You’ve had the mangled wreck of what remained of your canopy after the gusting wind was done with it.
- You’ve bought an entire of case of parsley at Restaurant Depot for a contest.
- You’ve cooked in some other place and wondered if you needed to change your “profile”.
- You’ve survived a grease fire in your pit and still have hair on your forearms.
- You’ve heard the story of the pitmaster who set his vehicle on fire driving down the freeway because the vehicle carpet caught fire from the heat of the residual coals in his ash can.
- You’ve seen the shower water turn brown in your first bath after a two-day back-to-back contest weekend.
- You’ve been DQ’ed at a contest for a foreign object found in your box.
- There’s a “BBQ” sticker(s) on your car.
- You buy vehicles that have room to transport your smokers and not based on your family’s needs.
- You catered the barbecue reception for your son’s or daughter’s wedding.
You might be a competition pitmaster if … (Part 2)
- You’ve put your small child into a grill or smoker and taken a photo and thought it was cute.
- You can’t stop buying smokers, sauces, rubs and BBQ gadgets.
- Your family only buys BBQ stuff for your birthday and for Christmas.
- You never eat at BBQ joints anymore and neither does your family and friends.
- You dream of going to Austin and eating at Franklin’s.
- You have a second refrigerator just for BBQ.
- You track meat prices, gas prices and charcoal prices by the pound.
- You cringe whenever anyone says “falling off the bone”.
- You dream of owning a BBQ restaurant or catering business.
- You want to start your own line of rubs and sauces
You might be a competition pitmaster if . . . (Part 1)
- You always visit the meat section in a supermarket, even if you aren’t buying meat.
- All of your friends know you hate it when they confuse grilling and real barbecuing.
- Your kids are tired of eating your next experiment in BBQ.
- You have more BBQ tee shirts than any other kind of tees.
- You have a designated area in your garage for charcoal.
- You brag on Facebook about how many bags of charcoal you bought on sale for Memorial or Labor Day.
- You know the target weight of your trimmed chicken thighs.
- You distrust pre-cut St. Louis ribs because you know how to trim ribs better than a professional butcher.
- You’ve used a hammer and screwdriver to remove bark from your wood chunks.
- You plan your vacations around BBQ contests.